"love"

The idea of love has become so misconstrued. Nowadays everyone thinks they are in love even when they're not. It's sad that the word is being thrown around so much and young kids will base their whole lives on their "relationship". Now more then ever, I'm seeing young kids think they're grown and getting pregnant, wanting to start their own family, perfect compared to the one they grew up in. But what happens when they get pregnant? The couple ends up breaking up and all thats left is a single mother...just another statistic. I can't stand how many people base their idea of "love" purely on feelings. Feelings come and go. Feelings will not help you get through an argument or 10's of thousands of problems you will be faced with as a couple.

Change of topic... I can't stand how people stare when me and Hector are out together. Seriously its sad that its 2009 and we're being judged just because he's salvadorian and im korean. What's the big deal? Especially those damn stupid ass stuck up korean girls that think they're the shit and have god damn staring problems. I'm not dumb. Even in my family and a lot of people I know aren't 100% ok like they act they are. But why do they feel that their opinions even matter. Whats the point of even judging or forming an opinion, when it's not going to change anything. I know this stuff shouldn't even get to me since I've been dealing with it for over 3 years...but once in a while it gets to me. I can't stand the constant stares. Like why do you think that you're so great that you can stare and judge? I wish there was someone older that I could relate to about it. But even now, its better then 3 years ago, theres more and more couples that are not the usual interracial couple. UGH i think im just stressed about other things so EVERYTHING is bugging me

Little Things

Since when is it so hard to do the little things? It's like we've been together so long that he doesn't even try. I don't even ask for big expensive gifts or impossible things. I want flowers...just because. I want to find a written note. I want a sudden hug. I want to be taken to a place..any place, just as a surprise....just because he knows its where I would want to be. I miss the few times he would just show up. I feel like everything has to be dictated. Even a simple thing as a card has become unthinkable. It's like we've fast forwarded our relationship to 10 years, settled down, married and busy with 3 kids. I guess the dumb part is that its been like this for our whole relationship. And I haven't come to the realization that he will never fit the mold that i've created for how a guy should act or treat me. But even after knowing that he doesn't do enough and i dont see him enough, its not enough for me to leave. I think I'm more scared of being alone. I do love him. so much. but when does enough become ENOUGH. How much more tired of something can someone get? I'm tired, I've BEEN tired.

its already mid june!!!!

jeez time flies...SERIOUSLY...

not a lots changed....except someone stole hectors ipod...yes the one he bought in my last entry...ugh it seriously lasted him what like 4 months?! in the last 3 and a half years i dont know how many phones and wallets hes gone through. I hate being home so early at night on the weekends. Sucks cuz hector has work at like 4:30 so i cant really get mad cuz of course he has to be home by 9 so he can at least get some rest. Ugh i hate his job. I wonder what our relationship would've been like had he had a regular 9 to 5 job...and lived on his own haha. I don't know why but ever since i was little i couldnt wait to get married and start my own family. Thats ALL thats on my mind i feel like im ready....just not financially or even close to being mature enough. And i've been feeling so stressed lately. That why i dont like being home cuz it just means more time to think...more time to think = stressing myself out by thinking about all the shit i have to do or deal with or whatever. when i was living with my mom, i felt like any living situation would be better...now that i live on my brother i cant stand it. my brother needs to live with my mom and have her stand over him and tell him to clean after himself. hes such a pig. i cant stand it. why the hell does he pee all over the toilet?! the opening of it is freaking huge?! how do you miss it?!?!?!? ugh its so annoying. and hector stresses me out because i feel like he doesnt really take this relationship very seriously...and im not sure if hes ever going to start. to me, this relationship is such a huge deal, i mean who makes it past even 3 months these days let alone over 3 and a half YEARS? maybe its just me? i do tend to exaggerate...

im 21 but i feel like im 12.
do i look old? cuz i dont feel it.
going to bed.